In the movie, "At Eternity's Gate" a priest asks Vincent Van Gogh (played by Willem Dafoe) why he feels he was born to be a painter. Vincent/Dafoe struggles with the answer, then sputters out that he just doesn't know what else to do.
That is a lot like how I feel.
I'm consumed with the drive to write. I have a full time job, but it has little to nothing to do with writing. My coworkers are aware that I've published a chapbook but think it's just a quaint accomplishment, completely unaware of how gigantic the prospect of writing is in my life. Writing isn't a moon in my sky, it's Jupiter. Filling the sky, looming over me.
Every morning I have to pull myself away from the keyboard to go out and earn a living, though nothing would make me happier than to stay and complete a thought process. I feel most sane, most content and most powerful when I'm writing. I don't feel like I'm suited for much else.
With everything else in life, I feel woefully inept. With everything else in life, I feel I'm doing it to satisfy someone other than myself, and never successfully doing so. I feel that my writing is what I am supposed to be doing, and that something is uncomfortably wrong when I am not.
So I know how Vincent felt. I feel I have a talent that is yet to be measured. I highly doubt that my talent measures anywhere near his, but it's all consuming and feels largely unfulfilled, much like he felt his was. Oh if only I could carry each idea to fruition!!
About Me
- Kees Kapteyn
- Most recently, Kees Kapteyn has self published an e-novella 'individe' which can be found on Amazon. He also has a flash fiction chapbook entitled "Temperance Ave.", published by Grey Borders Press. He has also has been published in such magazines as flo., Wordbusker, In My Bed, blue skies, ditch and other literary journals. He lives in Ottawa, Ontario where he works as an educational assistant.
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