I just got to see a picture of you when you were 17, back in 1984. You're with two of your brothers and four of your cousins. All of you look so fresh faced and young. You, in particular, you look handsome, surprisingly so. You look strong, you look confident, standing there with your arms crossed, your chin out and a real smile on your face. You look like you'd been having a good day. I can see a little bit of narcissism in you. You look proud to be in front of a camera this time. In that black teeshirt, deliberately without a corporate logo on it, the tight blue jeans; your uniform, you look honest and real. These were the clothes you wore that you felt defined you. You were sure of yourself. You had conviction.
I wish you could have held on to that bravado, Kees. I wish you hadn't let things bring you down.
You see, Kees, you are incredibly intelligent there. You house amazing thoughts and stories, a lovely gracious talent that only needed to be realized... BY YOU. Yeah, you had bullies in your life that tried to stunt your growth, and in a large part succeeded. You were still living with them and their voices reverberated in your head all the time.
But those bullies, Kees? You have to know that THEY ARE JUST VOICES. They are just sounds from the outside, like thunder, or the hockey game coming from the tv set, or a dog barking in the distance.
You don't have to let them in.
In fact, those voices? You shouldn't let them in.
Shut the door and enjoy that angelic music that is playing in your head, those wondrous lyrics that form like crystals in your mind.
But don't hide behind that door to wallow in that pain, Kees. You're not going to do it alone.
Instead of falling for everything those liars ever said, look for the people that will build you up.
Find your tribe, find your supporters and support them as well. They are out there.
When your father offers the opportunity to go and visit Irving Layton, take it.
He will be important to you later on. In fact, every writer and artist and creative person will be important to you. Because those are your people, Kees. That is your world. Be in it.
Make the world outside you as beautiful as it is inside you, Kees. Listen to yourself, heed your deepest yearnings and let them ignite you, let them motivate you. You want it, and you know you're destined for it, so work your ass off to get there, so you can be happy and know without a doubt, that that happiness is YOURS.
I'm telling you this now because I look back on the mistakes you've made in your life, and how some of them have crippled you somehow. Don't let them, Kees. They are on the outside. They have no place in your life. Regret is a useless thing, but it's still something that we carry, like an evolutionary leftover that remains a part of us, like an appendix or a tailbone. Yes, they are part of you, but they serve no purpose. Let only the functional things rule your life, Kees. Let the healthy things point the way, because Happiness can be yours. You just have to be careful, and work towards them.
Love;
Your 50 year old self.
No comments:
Post a Comment